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[personal profile] kellista
why have i had a headache for 2 days? why does my meagre to-do list feel like a ball and chain? i am trying my best to chalk up the way i'm feeling to a grey time of year that historically has me battling with negativity. self, world, future. there is no need to believe that it will spiral into anything majorly catastrophic. i am a grown-up now (?) with a degree of agency. i am shocked that some people dislike getting older, which despite meaning that at any given time I have spent more time living with the subjective experience of being me than at prior given times, i on the whole do not mind. Experience accumulates! How wonderful is that?! grim little tears as i stalk the danforth i-love-to-hate, annoying myself with the haunted empty look that i can't even see but can feel projecting outwards. as much as i try to reduce cognitive dissonance ("why, depression has only made me STRONGER and MORE RESILIENT and COMPASSIONATE *tobacco-y guffaw/derisive snort*") it really, really does suck to live it and i will take this feeling as some bud screaming to be nipped. i swear that there must be other authentic non-lying-to-oneself experiences that are unshitty and unselfdestructive. yes?

i, for example, would really like to go to nursing school. i just love corporeality, you know? it's harder to work based on pretense and trying to read people's minds and false beliefs when oh-my-god-it's-blood-and-guts. priorities arrange themselves. life triage! i am not going to avoid this based on fear. fear is a poor reason to do or not-do. i am afraid that this is determining my actions. look at those technical-fabric-clad yuppies. do you think they let fear determine their lives?

umm. that was rhetorical, actually? it's a JOURNAL, people, mmkay?

_handy tips to feel worse_

1. take everything personally.

a) feeling unacknowledged by your employer/peers? surely its one of many deep personal flaws that they have caught on to. you are lucky that they keep you on at all. best to tread lightly and remain quiet, competent, and sad. people love that shit!!

b) intimate or familial relationships? yeah, the problem is you. congratulations. oh, it's not fleeting or malleable or a matter of poor choices or not considering the facts. it's your character, determined by biology and accumulated experience, and you can't go back. smiley face.

2. ignore objective hints of goodness in favour of the worst possible interpretation of everything. trust me, there are some evil evil thoughts floating in the ether. its a matter of selectivity and an admirable if ill-placed focus.

3. never forget that you are a self-centred ass. the koreas are going to war, ass. don't you know how privileged you are? (those yuppies at '100 mile child' just worked much, much harder over the years. way to ruin your own life.)

omg it's all i ever talk about; this is sooooo my field of expertise. well. this and inconsistent capitalization. you know what's hilarious? i am the oldest child of working class depressed dad and borderline (i know, it's evil but a handy shorthand for anybody who Knows), unemployed mother and my sister has been fucked and on disability for years and i am therefore the Great White Hope!! this is going down obama-style, i see it more and more clearly as my term at the helm of my mind marches ever onwards.

free wi-fi is basically the shit. and so often concatenated with coffee!!!! i never have to think the better of anything ever again! what was i thinking not buying a laptop during all those years of underemployment and dysfunctionality?
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April 2011

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