my life feels like a mean-spirited joke today. there is no coherence beneath the surface, waiting to be touched by awareness or set free. there is a script that was set years ago and repeats with variations in intensity and clarity and it doesn't matter how aware i am or anyone is of it. there is no valuable lesson to capture or transmit. there is no transcendence or potential for camaraderie. there is only cliche and dread and the sound of my voice echoing my failings in my head and amplifying itself, slow and under its own control, neverending feedback, malignant and unparticular. it was once sad to me that this is the dominant feature of who i am but is now just so boring. i would like to care about myself at least enough to avoid total humiliation before i dry up and die but not so much that the continual and constitutional lack bother me too much. ha. the joke is most assuredly on me.